by Anastasia Kasko
There is absolutely nothing better than entering a school bathroom and stepping in urine, or slipping on soap. Your eyes and mind are experiencing a whole new level of trauma that is completely overwhelming. The graffiti on the walls and that trademark bathroom smell really give you a new appreciation for cleaning products, at least when they’re being used.
We are going back to kindergarten for all those who don’t know the bathroom rules. Let’s quickly review them so maybe next time you might have the decency to act civilized and mature when making a quick trip to the lavatory.
Rule One: Flush the toilet.
· Honestly, I have no idea why anyone would need to be reminded to flush the toilet. You do your business and send it down. Nobody else wants to see the corn you had for dinner the previous night or smell how much asparagus you actually ate.
Rule Two: Wash your hands!
· Are you kidding me? Seriously people, you are touching toilet paper which then touches you genitals. So maybe you’re in a rush and you can’t wash your hands, at least you hand sanitizer. There is a reason it’s right near the exit of the bathroom. And you shouldn’t be washing your hands just after the bathroom; you come in contact with over a thousand germs, bacteria, fungi, and viruses each day. Do yourself and the rest of us the favor of washing your hands.
Rule Three: Use soap
· If you are taking the time to wash your hands, congratulations. You aren’t a filthy being walking around infecting everyone with your deathly, germ infested touch. However, if you’re just splashing water on your hands you are just as bad. I bet once you’re done you’re thinking, “Yeah man, I just washed my hands, I’m probably good for the rest of the day.” And then you’ll probably stick your fingers in your mouth to get the remainder piece of corn lodged in the crevice of you tooth from your dinner last night.
· One more side note, don’t play with the soap. If you’re at home and your mommy has bought you special super sudsy soap, go for it. Nobody cares if you make a huge bubble mess at home. Leave the suds at home, I don’t want to ask around for an extra shirt because I slipped and fell from your bubble mess and it landed me in urine.
Rule Four: Do not pee on the floor.
· Excuse me; don’t you go to the bathroom to urinate into the TOILET? I have stepped on urine several times, it not only splashes onto the bottom of my paint leg but I go home with pee on the bottom of my shoes and then my dog, because he has the brain of an idiot, will go and lick my shoes. So great, I went into the bathroom to do my stuff and I ended up getting your urine on MY shoes. And my dog probably has a disease thanks to you.
· Pee on the floor isn’t too big of a problem for the ladies. I mean we have to pop a squat so it’s really impossible to pee on the floor unless we removed our pants. But you boys are able to point your pistol at whatever you want to use as a target. Make the target the toilet. Nobody enjoys smelling or stepping in urine. Don’t be so irresponsible, we would ALL love to use the bathroom without worrying about where we place our feet.
Rule Four: Clean the seat
· It can be a depressing time if your fire hose or fire hydrant is spraying more than usual and you somehow manage to get it all over the seat. The proper thing to do is clean it. Ten seconds, that’s all it takes! Ten seconds to grab some extra toilet paper and wipe the seat. Nobody and I mean NOBODY wants to sit in your pee. Sitting in urine is absolutely nauseating and then you add the factor that it isn’t even your own bodily fluid makes it beyond repulsive. Grow up and clean your mess. “You make a mess, you clean it.”, remember those magical words from kindergarten the next time you decide to dirty the toilet seat.
Rule Five: Don’t be stupid
· You go to the bathroom to USE the bathroom. Don’t just stand in there and waste time. Even worse, don’t go to the bathroom so you can do something stupid. No smoking, no taking pictures for your Instagram or Twitter or whatever it is you kids waste your time on, no hand-stands, no dance parties, no meeting up other kids for drug deals; just use the bathroom as a bathroom.
· Going to the bathroom to waste time is so idiotic it’s unbelievable. I have to admit I was that dumb kid who hated math and would spend at least half my math class staring at the bathroom wall, but after coming across a quote I changed my mindset. Education is now pre-eminent to me.
· Mahatma Gandhi - "Live as if youwere to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."
Rule Six: Graffiti
· Why is it you feel compelled to write on the walls in the stalls? And in addition to writing I’ve also seen initials CARVED into the toilet seat. You teenagers never cease to amaze me with how gross you can be.
· When I’m in the bathroom I read so many rude, profane, and horrifying words and comments about other people. If you have issues with someone ignore them or solve it, don’t write it on the wall. Maybe if you didn’t waste your time and pencil writing on a bathroom wall you might be able to complete that essay you’ve been procrastinating on.
· Why exactly do you feel the need to vent on the wall? Fantastic, so and so ticked you off, personally I don’t care. Keep your issues to yourself; it’s a distraction to me and anyone who needs to get back to class. And I’m sure the sanitary staff doesn’t give two toads about your issues, they’re probably mad at you now because you’ve wasted their time. They have to stay in the bathroom longer than usually to clean the walls in which you’ve decided to write on.
· And writing your crushes name? Seriously. It’s not like he/she will be reading it and wondering what magical person wrote it. When you write, “I love John”, it looks dumb and is such a waste of time. NOBODY CARES. Please get that through your brain. None of this will matter when you’re 80 years old sitting in a rocking chair reminiscing about high school.
Please use all bathrooms responsibly, not just school bathrooms, all bathrooms; friends, public, private, etc. You are in high school, right now is the time you make important life choices and you set yourself up for the future. Everything you do reflects to the kind of person you are, so if you’re that dumb one who pees all over the floor I can just imagine how responsible you would be on the job.
Do everybody a favor (including you) and just grow up. I’m not saying you have to be a grown up 24/7, but be mature in a bathroom. I don’t even understand why you would want to cause trouble. Oh, and while you’re peeing on the floor or playing with the soap think to yourself, “How would (someone important to you) react to my behavior right now?”
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